Emotional Congruence and Authenticity

In the way that important ideas pop up seemingly out of nowhere then appear absolutely everywhere, I came across the concept of emotional congruence. I have long been an advocate of expressing one’s feelings, but having a specific term to indicate someone’s behavior/words/actions/etc. lining up with their emotions is very helpful. I first came across the term in an awesome book I’m reading (The Tao of Equus, by Linda Kohanov. I want to write a book like this one). She talks about it in terms of humans working with horses–for example, if a person is nervous about working with a horse but tries to act calm and confident, the horse will sense not only their true emotions but the attempt at concealing them and become nervous and agitated. On the other hand, if a nervous person admits their feelings and works through them openly, not only will they feel better, but the horse will be much more calm and receptive.Animals are infinitely more skilled than humans at emotional congruence. I say “skilled” on purpose, because being in the practice of allowing your actions, words and behavior to truly reflect your feelings takes not only an awareness of what you’re feeling, but the ability and the comfort (or perhaps the lack of fear of judgement) to express it. Both my dog and my roommate’s dog wear their hearts on their sleeves. Anyone can tell how they’re feeling whether they’re telepathic or not.

Animals teach us about expressing our emotions, either through leading by example or by giving us a lecture. Earlier this morning I spoke with a client’s cat who told me that he was worried about her husband’s health. When she confirmed that her husband had high blood pressure, the cat went on to say that, in addition to the blood pressure, he was concerned that her husband would eventually have a heart attack from not being able to process his feelings in a healthy way. My client shared her amazement that her cat would be so perceptive, but I was completely unsurprised at her cat not only expressing awareness of the situation, but tracing the roots of her husband’s health concerns back to emotion.

Animals use their emotions in ways that we have forgotten. Instead of letting our emotions wash over us so that we may use them as tools (learn from them, express them, then release them), we humans are in the habit of letting our emotions consume us. Whether it’s joy, grief, rage, love, sorrow, you name it, we have elevated these feelings to the status of a state of being, rather than a temporary blip on the radar of our consciousness. Think about it: how often do you hear someone say “I am angry,” versus “I feel angry”? I could go on and on about the energetic implications of claiming one’s emotions as affirmations and the potentially negative effects of doing so, but that would be another article. Suffice it to say that humans are generally out of practice at emotional congruence.On a personal level, I’ve been noticing this phenomenon over the last couple of years without really having a name for it. I suppose it falls under the category of “being authentic.” While there are certain social groups that get together to practice and honor authentic emotional expression, it seems that, for society in general, it is entirely unacceptable to express your true feelings in public. Unless they’re in alignment with the vibe, of course.

One of my most glaring lessons took place about a year ago. Every year, my friends host a swanky Valentine’s Day party. Last year, I was smack dab in the middle of legal and personal drama (see previous post) and the party took place about a week before I was supposed to testify in court. I was miserable, but I decided to go anyway because I thought seeing all my friends might cheer me up. In short, it was a very weird night. The whole thing felt surreal. I was wandering around a fancy cocktail party full of my friends and feeling pretty much incapable of talking to anyone. Someone would engage me in conversation, which I sustained at surface-level pleasantries for awhile, then invariably they would say, “I haven’t seen you in forever! Where have you been?” So I would tell them a little bit of what was going on while trying to keep it light and party-appropriate, and they would say some combination of “I’m sorry/that sucks/you’ll be okay” before moving on. My favorite and most real moment of the night came when I caught up with a friend of mine, who, as it turns out, had also been having a horrible time lately. We commiserated authentically and were able to cheer each other up considerably, at which point I started genuinely enjoying myself.

I don’t blame any of my friends for not knowing what to say or how to treat the situation when I told them how difficult things were for me while trying not to be too much of a downer. What must that have sounded like?? Probably some weird jumble of “My ex assaulted someone and I have to testify against him next week but it’s all okay and things are great and I love your dress!” Not only was I bringing up uncomfortable topics, but I wasn’t expressing how I really felt about them. Most people don’t have the awareness and comfort it takes to let things be uncomfortable, or at least to acknowledge someone expressing their feelings without trying to fix them. I was trying to overcompensate for that by giving people an out to dealing with me, and it made things more awkward for everyone.

That evening provided the perfect lesson on the effects of emotional incongruence–in addition to feeling anxious, stressed and sad, I was trying to override my true emotions and conceal them under a fancy party exterior. It was only when I actually talked to my friend and shared the truth of my feelings that I was able to relax, let them go and enjoy myself.

Like I said, this has been coming up everywhere lately. It seems that everyone I talk to is moving through big transitions in their lives (’tis the season for evolution and revolution!), and one of the most valuable skills I have been able to practice is to let myself and others connect authentically in emotional congruence. I had a friend share something pretty profound with me last week, and toward the end of our conversation he said how much he appreciated talking to me because I didn’t feel the need to try and fix anything. I was grateful for the feedback, especially because it’s a skill I’ve been working on.

My own, personal homework will be to continue practicing emotional congruence and offering space for others to do the same. I am so happy and grateful for my amazing animal teachers who share their incredible insights and ways of being in the world! We are all supported as we move ever closer toward oneness in Self and Spirit. Understanding and allowing our emotions to roll through us like waves is just a part of the journey.

Healing Horses, Emotionally

I love working with horses. I love working with all animals, but there’s something particularly about horses that makes me adore my job even more than usual. Not only are they incredibly expressive, empathic, communicative beings, but there’s something about the juxtaposition between their sheer size and enormous sensitivity that is so lovely. Some of the biggest, most athletic horses I’ve met have been those to wear their hearts most openly on their sleeves.

On Tuesday I went out to do Animal Communication and Reiki work for three horses. Three highly empathic, emotional, sensitive horses dealing with trauma, two of whom are in intensive dressage training and working toward the Grand Prix level.

One of the dressage horses (a gorgeous Hanoverian mare named Matti) was a new client who is in need of some deep emotional healing around issues of abandonment, nurturing and safety. She told me where in her body she’s storing all of this emotion, and how these tiny changes made on the energetic level are having profound physical effects. Her (human) mom confirmed not only Matti’s prior trauma, but her own observations about how Matti was affected. When I indicated an area in Matti’s shoulder where the trauma was stored, her mom told me, “I thought I was crazy! I had several vets out to look at her and they all said it couldn’t be her shoulder, there’s no physical reason for it!” I explained that just because there wasn’t a physical reason for there to be discomfort didn’t mean a blockage couldn’t exist on the energetic or emotional level, and that was exactly what had happened with Matti. I told her that our work, instead of focusing on shifting things in her body (which is only the symptom of the problem), would begin with supporting Matti through emotional healing.

Matti’s situation is enormously significant in that it speaks to the way in which many of us express physical conditions that are actually the manifestation of emotional or energetic disturbances. This is something that Reiki (and Eastern medicine in general) is far more effective at addressing than most of Western medicine, which seeks to treat the symptoms rather than the root cause. For someone such as Matti in particular, who told me that all the work she does is on a very subtle level, minute changes at her emotional core will have a huge effect on not only her general health and wellness, but her physical structure and alignment. We can all learn from the idea that our emotional health directly relates to our physical well-being.