In the way that important ideas pop up seemingly out of nowhere then appear absolutely everywhere, I came across the concept of emotional congruence. I have long been an advocate of expressing one’s feelings, but having a specific term to indicate someone’s behavior/words/actions/etc. lining up with their emotions is very helpful. I first came across the term in an awesome book I’m reading (The Tao of Equus, by Linda Kohanov. I want to write a book like this one). She talks about it in terms of humans working with horses–for example, if a person is nervous about working with a horse but tries to act calm and confident, the horse will sense not only their true emotions but the attempt at concealing them and become nervous and agitated. On the other hand, if a nervous person admits their feelings and works through them openly, not only will they feel better, but the horse will be much more calm and receptive.
Animals are infinitely more skilled than humans at emotional congruence. I say “skilled” on purpose, because being in the practice of allowing your actions, words and behavior to truly reflect your feelings takes not only an awareness of what you’re feeling, but the ability and the comfort (or perhaps the lack of fear of judgement) to express it. Both my dog and my roommate’s dog wear their hearts on their sleeves. Anyone can tell how they’re feeling whether they’re telepathic or not.
Animals teach us about expressing our emotions, either through leading by example or by giving us a lecture. Earlier this morning I spoke with a client’s cat who told me that he was worried about her husband’s health. When she confirmed that her husband had high blood pressure, the cat went on to say that, in addition to the blood pressure, he was concerned that her husband would eventually have a heart attack from not being able to process his feelings in a healthy way. My client shared her amazement that her cat would be so perceptive, but I was completely unsurprised at her cat not only expressing awareness of the situation, but tracing the roots of her husband’s health concerns back to emotion.
Animals use their emotions in ways that we have forgotten. Instead of letting our emotions wash over us so that we may use them as tools (learn from them, express them, then release them), we humans are in the habit of letting our emotions consume us. Whether it’s joy, grief, rage, love, sorrow, you name it, we have elevated these feelings to the status of a state of being, rather than a temporary blip on the radar of our consciousness. Think about it: how often do you hear someone say “I am angry,” versus “I feel angry”? I could go on and on about the energetic implications of claiming one’s emotions as affirmations and the potentially negative effects of doing so, but that would be another article. Suffice it to say that humans are generally out of practice at emotional congruence.
On a personal level, I’ve been noticing this phenomenon over the last couple of years without really having a name for it. I suppose it falls under the category of “being authentic.” While there are certain social groups that get together to practice and honor authentic emotional expression, it seems that, for society in general, it is entirely unacceptable to express your true feelings in public. Unless they’re in alignment with the vibe, of course.
One of my most glaring lessons took place about a year ago. Every year, my friends host a swanky Valentine’s Day party. Last year, I was smack dab in the middle of legal and personal drama (see previous post) and the party took place about a week before I was supposed to testify in court. I was miserable, but I decided to go anyway because I thought seeing all my friends might cheer me up. In short, it was a very weird night. The whole thing felt surreal. I was wandering around a fancy cocktail party full of my friends and feeling pretty much incapable of talking to anyone. Someone would engage me in conversation, which I sustained at surface-level pleasantries for awhile, then invariably they would say, “I haven’t seen you in forever! Where have you been?” So I would tell them a little bit of what was going on while trying to keep it light and party-appropriate, and they would say some combination of “I’m sorry/that sucks/you’ll be okay” before moving on. My favorite and most real moment of the night came when I caught up with a friend of mine, who, as it turns out, had also been having a horrible time lately. We commiserated authentically and were able to cheer each other up considerably, at which point I started genuinely enjoying myself.
I don’t blame any of my friends for not knowing what to say or how to treat the situation when I told them how difficult things were for me while trying not to be too much of a downer. What must that have sounded like?? Probably some weird jumble of “My ex assaulted someone and I have to testify against him next week but it’s all okay and things are great and I love your dress!” Not only was I bringing up uncomfortable topics, but I wasn’t expressing how I really felt about them. Most people don’t have the awareness and comfort it takes to let things be uncomfortable, or at least to acknowledge someone expressing their feelings without trying to fix them. I was trying to overcompensate for that by giving people an out to dealing with me, and it made things more awkward for everyone.
That evening provided the perfect lesson on the effects of emotional incongruence–in addition to feeling anxious, stressed and sad, I was trying to override my true emotions and conceal them under a fancy party exterior. It was only when I actually talked to my friend and shared the truth of my feelings that I was able to relax, let them go and enjoy myself.
Like I said, this has been coming up everywhere lately. It seems that everyone I talk to is moving through big transitions in their lives (’tis the season for evolution and revolution!), and one of the most valuable skills I have been able to practice is to let myself and others connect authentically in emotional congruence. I had a friend share something pretty profound with me last week, and toward the end of our conversation he said how much he appreciated talking to me because I didn’t feel the need to try and fix anything. I was grateful for the feedback, especially because it’s a skill I’ve been working on.
My own, personal homework will be to continue practicing emotional congruence and offering space for others to do the same. I am so happy and grateful for my amazing animal teachers who share their incredible insights and ways of being in the world! We are all supported as we move ever closer toward oneness in Self and Spirit. Understanding and allowing our emotions to roll through us like waves is just a part of the journey.
Eagle Song 